Growing up, I was always described as “shy” or “quiet.” I didn’t often contribute to conversations or class discussions. I didn’t speak my mind. I was your typical good student that did what I was told and spoke when spoken to.
Taking on a confrontation? Ha! That rarely happened, even if I was really upset. I was your typical “avoider.” I internalized most of these situations and let them fester. Some would bother me until I finally “burst” and realized I had to do something about it. Often, this led to reacting emotionally as opposed to rationally.
These “quiet” and “anti-confrontational” characteristics continued from my childhood into my early adult years. In my first few jobs out of college, I still had difficulty contributing ideas and dealing with confrontations.
Luckily, my colleagues at Nurturing Wisdom really value helping us grow as individuals and give us resources to help us work on goals, both personal and work-related. My goal last year was to buck these trends that have followed me throughout my life.
When Pari asked us to read a chapter from the book Winning by Jack Welch, the text really spoke to me, and I discovered what my real problem is. I’m not “shy” because I’m afraid of people. In fact, I love people! I thrive being around people! I was actually afraid of being candid.
According to Welch, lack of candor is a pervasive problem in society, particularly in work places. He wrote in Winning, “…too many people—too often—instinctively don’t express themselves with frankness. They don’t communicate straightforwardly or put forth ideas looking to stimulate real debate. They just don’t open up. Instead they withhold comments or criticism.”
Yep, that was me! This quote couldn’t have described me more perfectly. I’m sure it also describes a lot of other people out there. The good news is that it is possible to change. You can move from being “shy” and an “avoider” to being candid. But it’s not going to be easy, just as it wasn’t easy for me.
First, I had to always keep candor in the front of my mind. If I found myself avoiding making a difficult phone call or a conversation I knew I needed to have, I would force myself to do it! I constantly had to tell myself, “just say it!”
For example, I needed to call one of our tutors to talk to him about how he wasn’t scheduling his tutoring appointments effectively. I worried and worried about making the call because I was going to have to convey negative information to him. When I finally picked up the phone, I was surprised to find that it turned out to be a really enjoyable call, all about strategies for improvement and growth. The tutor was actually relieved to be able to use these strategies in the future.
I put the same amount of effort toward contributing ideas at work and giving feedback to coworkers. I didn’t want them to get annoyed with me, but I still wanted to share my ideas. I constantly asked myself what I could contribute. I had to just throw my ideas out there and learn to be ok if they weren’t put into action.
Over time, all of this got easier. I found that my coworkers respected my ideas and encouraged me to contribute even more. Those tough conversations started to come more naturally. In fact I may have created a monster. My coworkers now call me the “candor queen” because they see me just “doing” or “saying” instead of hesitating. I’m also finding myself coaching others on how to be more candid.
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