Process vs. Outcome: A Technique for Managing Anxiety

Standardized tests. Job Interviews. Auditions. What do these situations have in common? Despite your best efforts and all the preparation that you do, you can't control the result. This can cause a great deal of anxiety. You might be an excellent candidate for a given job - but the hiring manager will decide to hire the candidate who was in his college fraternity. Though you can't control the outcome, what you can control is your approach to and attitude about these situations. You can create your own personal, measurable goals which will make the experiences valuable and productive - regardless of whether you get the job, the part, or a 36 on your ACT.

Let's look closer at the example of an ACT student. Rather than fixating on the score she ultimately receives, the student can instead focus on what she can control. She can say to herself, "Okay. I'm going to focus on using my elimination strategy, on percent and proportion word problems, and on not getting distracted during the reading section." These are measurable, achievable goals the student can set for herself, and most importantly, can hold herself accountable for achieving. 

Rather than focusing on an unpredictable outcome, it's empowering to focus on your own personal goals instead. This will allow you to be introspective and evaluate your own performance. You'll be able to develop your own standards and values by which to measure yourself. That way, no matter what happens, it will be a positive learning experience. 

Managing Technological Distractions

In today’s digital age, we are all constantly faced with technological distractions, such as Facebook, YouTube, and text messages from friends. These distractions are a big challenge, especially when students are trying to focus on homework, but they’re not going anywhere and are only proliferating. Learning to manage these distractions so we can get our work done is an important life skill! 

How do you address the problem of technological distractions? On the one hand, you can take a restrictive approach and not allow any Internet access during homework time. On the other hand, you can take a permissive approach and allow your child to find his or her own way, learning to handle distractions as they become problematic.

Both of these options have their drawbacks. The permissive approach results in the loss of too much valuable homework time, or homework that is poorly completed. The overly restrictive boundaries don’t teach kids the long-term skills needed to manage distractions. After all, once they reach college and the job world there will be no one looking over their shoulder, reminding them to turn off Facebook until their work is done.

Let’s look behind door number three for a better solution. We recommend that the Internet and other media distractions become a common topic during regular family meetings. In the context of a family meeting, children are given some overall clear boundaries, or “non-negotiables,” but they are also brought into the ongoing conversation about what is working and what is not. Their opinions are valued, they are allowed to make some mistakes, and they are given the option to make choices within realistic limits. If your child is included in coming up with a solution, he or she will then be invested in the problem-solving process. Instead of parent vs. child, you've changed the dynamic – you are now on the same team, working together to solve a problem.

Keep Reading to learn how a productive, solutions-oriented family discussion about managing distractions might proceed...

Cultivating Homework Attitudes

Your child may have one of the following attitudes about homework:

          Homework is work: It's challenging, frustrating, and time consuming. Children with this attitude often have to be forced to do homework, which can lead to tears or even yelling.

          Homework is a learning experience: It's an opportunity to showcase hard work, to refine skills, and to learn new things.Children with this attitude realize that homework may be hard, but they see value in the work.


These are two distinctly different attitudes with very different consequences. The first focuses on difficulty. The second focuses on opportunity and growth. Which of these do you want to be the "tone" of homework in your household? And why is it important to consciously cultivate a productive and positive attitude?

Choosing your attitudes.

Children develop attitudes about homework that play over and over in their heads like tapes. If we, as parents, don't make a conscious effort to convey productive and positive attitudes, children will absorb the negative beliefs of those around them.

So how do you counteract negative ideas about homework? Decide on two to four "homework mantras" to consistently convey to your kids. Every household can have their own set of mantras. Here are some examples:

• Homework is your opportunity to learn.
• Mistakes are good!
• Effort matters most.

Be a Broken Record.

Once you've chosen your homework attitudes, you need to say them out loud. Over and over. It's easy to feel like you're just a walking cliché, but kids need to hear these messages loud and clear. They need to trust that you believe them, and they need time to internalize them.

It's just as important to engage your kids in conversations about these messages. When something goes wrong on a math assignment, try to remember to ask, "Is it okay that you made a mistake? Tell me why." Encouraging children to say the mantras for themselves is much more powerful than simply listening to you say them.

Modeling Matters.

Actions really do speak louder than words. It's so important for us to model the attitudes we want our children to adopt. When our children earn a poor grade, getting upset or disappointed doesn't show them that mistakes are learning opportunities. Similarly, when dinner is overcooked or you get lost driving to a new destination, getting angry and berating yourself or your spouse won't communicate the positive sides of mistakes.

Homework time can be stressful for children, but it doesn't have to be. Reinforcing positive attitudes about homework early on can set the tone for a successful school year ahead!

Motivation, Action, Reflection

How do you help an unmotivated student?

First, it can help to unpack the label of "unmotivated." Most of us feel unmotivated or reluctant toward a task at one time or another. Instead of overt labeling, it's usually helpful to talk with students directly about the specific times they feel least motivated.  When given the chance, most students can articulate reasons why they don't want to do a particular task, which can help them address a roadblock to performance.

Second, my personal understanding of motivation is stolen directly from Nike: Just Do It.  Many of us believe that motivation comes from thinking or feeling a certain way toward a task ("I'll do it just as soon as I feel eager to do it"), but that's not how motivation works. Motivation is fueled by action. In the context of tutoring, getting a student working on something right away and then reflecting on that action can help him or her understand this concept.  That self-reflection after action is key to reinforcing both the student's behavior and his/her confidence in the task.


-Kristi Harreld

How do you engage a shy student?

We encounter all kinds of students at Nurturing Wisdom, and we do our very best to fulfill the needs of each one. As tutors, we love to see our students engaged, having fun and learning. Sometimes, when a student is very shy, we have to work a bit harder to break them out of their shell. We need to know that they're comfortable enough with us to ask questions, and that they're having fun too! I asked a few of our experienced tutors the following question:

How to you engage a very shy student?

"With a shy student, making a personal connection is key. In the first session, I probably spend more time getting to know a shy student than I would for an outgoing student, because they are less likely to offer information on their own. Usually, after chatting for a few minutes, they will tell you something personal about their lives - their favorite hobby, what they do after school, what they like to read, etc. Then I can respond to that ("I also love those books!" or "I didn't play that sport, but I played...") and we can go on from there. It is worth spending the extra few minutes to make that connection, because forming a bond with a shy student is key to their ultimate ability to open up and work with you."
-Laura Kurtycz


"Working with a shy student can be challenging at first. I am a very bubbly, outgoing person, so I have to make sure my personality isn't overwhelming. What I do is find out what they are interested in. Talk to them about sports, shopping, vacations, etc. I also like to make myself look like a fool. I tell stupid jokes to try to make them laugh, and really just show them that I am a person too. I have also talked about how I was shy in grade school and the beginning of high school. Then, I decided that I should just be myself and I wasn't trying to impress anyone. This is a very difficult task, but hearing it from someone who went through it seems to help."
-Lauren Feldmann


"I try to find out what the student is passionate about or knowledgeable on, and I ask him/her questions about that. (I also try to avoid yes/no questions!) It's usually easier for people to open up and talk about things that they love, and these little conversations are part of how the all-important rapport is built between me and my students.

This is why I really value the initial meetings that directors have with students and families before they start tutoring. Not only is the information helpful for the directors to match students, but it's also wonderful as a tutor to have an idea of how to connect with a student and how to teach them effectively, all before I walk into the first session."

-Sara McGuinn

The Lightning Round: Tips from our Productivity Maven!

Jeanne Rerucha has a nickname on our staff: we call her "Lightning" because she gets things done so quickly, and so well! Here, she shares some of her productivity secrets.

Have you ever wondered, "how will I get all this done?" or better yet, "how will I get all this done well"? I have found that it is all about technique, strategy, and a little multi-tasking to get through many of my days. As a mom of three girls and a tutoring director who works from home, I used to feel stress just getting through each day. I want to be there for my kids, I want to get my work done well, the laundry is everywhere; you get the picture. It's all about organization and a little flexibility.

Here are a a few tricks that have really helped me:

1. A calendar: this is so important!! I use my calendar religiously. Now, honestly, I haven't gotten into the online google calendars yet because I need to physically be able to see my calendar at any time, and my computer is not in my car. I keep track of all appointments, meetings for work, and playdates in my calendar. Because I am ultimately keeping track of 5 schedules, this is needed.

2. Maximize your help: I have a baby-sitter who comes for a few hours during the week. I know that's the time I need to use for phone calls and items requiring full concentration. Some things can be done at the same time as others, while some things need full attention.

3. Know your multi-tasking limit: Sure, I can be on the phone, wash dishes, and help with homework; but add in one more activity and it is too much. It's important to know how many things you can do while making sure they are still getting done well.

4. Reflect at night: I find it is easiest to do reflection in the evening. For me, the kids are in bed, it is much quieter in the house and I'm not rushing around getting things done. I like to save the items that need some thought or even some idea brainstorming for the end of my day. I also feel this is a good time to chat with co-workers, as they too are not trying to do a bunch of things.

5. Charts: I love my "at a glance" sheets. At work, I do this for my list of students, so that I can keep track of what tests I am expecting, who is tutoring them, etc. I know I can go deeper in the file system to get more information, but this sheet saves me time. I do this for some personal items as well. I have a sheet of phone numbers/addresses that I use most. Of course I have an address book to refer to when needed, but the doctor's number is easily accessible on my fridge for quick reference.

Do you have any productivity tips to share? Every little bit helps!

Making Memorization Fun

"How did you memorize all those lines?"

Those of us who've done theater are well acquainted with that question. I graduated from a conservatory program where I studied Acting. Over the years, I've been in quite a few plays, all of which involved memorization - sometimes just a few lines, sometimes pages and pages of text.

I think we can all agree that memorization is not the most fun activity. But quite often, especially with vocabulary or basic math facts, it's necessary. Here are a few tried & true tricks for taking the pain out of memorization, and injecting some fun into the process!

1. Give it a little rhythm. It may sound strange, but getting your inner Jay-Z on as you memorize words or definitions can really help. Chant the words as you tap out a rhythm on the table. You can even create a little melody, and sing them.

Get Creative: Take it a little farther by substituting the words of the catchiest pop song you know. Then, when you're studying for your Latin grammar test, you can simply crank up the Katy Perry and belt out, "'Cause baby you're a genitive! You indicate possession!" That will be so stuck in your head, you'll never forget the genitive again.

2. Boogie. That's right, boogie! Okay, you don't have to dance. But memorizing any information as you do a physical activity will lodge the information so deeply into your brain -- into your whole body, in fact, that you'd be hard pressed to forget it.

Get Creative: Do a set of ten crunches. Every time you crunch, yell out "Jugar!" Every time you release, "To Play!" This helpful multi-tasking will simultaneously prepare you for your Spanish quiz, and your next sports game!

3. Say It Out Loud. This is an extremely helpful little trick. The more senses you can use to internalize information, the better. You're using your eyes, as you read the information off the page, you're using your ears, as you hear what the words sound like, and you're using muscle memory, because you're feeling what it's like to form the words with your mouth.

Get Creative:

If you're like me and have no shame, say the words out loud in a British accent. The strangeness of the sounds will also help the information stick.

4. Take a trip. Studying in different locations has been proven to help information stay longer. Walk all over the house as you memorize.

Get Creative: Make a game of it: set the timer on your cell phone for two minutes. Every time it beeps, move to a new location. Your family may think you're insane, but you'll do great on that next quiz!

5. Build a Memory Palace. This trick is not for the faint-of-heart. Joshua Foer, a journalist, recently wrote an article in the New York Times about his recent foray into memory competitions. In it, he describes the way he builds an imaginary mansion in his mind, populates it with off-the-wall images and characters, which he then associates with specific nuggets of information to memorize. When it's time to recall the information later, he simply takes a mental stroll through his own imaginary memory palace, and uses the crazy images he himself created to trigger his memory into pulling out the bits of information that he wants. An impressive feat.

Have any memory tricks you'd like to share? Let's hear 'em!